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  • K. Shaun

Hey You... You're Worthy...

Dear Future Me,

Laughing at yourself is permissible right? I hope so because I have to keep from crying some days. Especially when I know what I’m thinking is so very wrong. I’m at that moment. That moment that you very excitedly invite chaos into your life. No, not unknowingly! Sounds crazy? Self-destructing? I don’t know, could be layered with a little sabotage! However, when I look around… miserable people be so delusionally happy.

Can I be delusionally happy too? Why do I have to be all alone in “knowing my worth?” I’m bored. Maybe I’m lonely. I don’t know. But what is the definition of self-respect anyways? Define cheating. When they still show me they “care”, it’s all forgiven. Right?!

I mean I’m the problem foreal. I was the one that made our peace, peaceless. That moment where I was holding him accountable for holding up his end of the deal. The one that we agreed on, the moment we said I love you. But that was me thinking we both were adults. Yeah, I’m the problem.

Delusional people be smiling ear to ear. Until they are not. Enjoying precious moments that can last however long they last. Whether stolen or not. God, can I ignore self-worth for a moment, just to enjoy those exciting, chaotic, and sometimes not so smart moments too?

Clearly my standards are set a little too high. I didn’t even get that Idea from a man. I heard that from another woman that isn’t sleeping alone at night. So maybe she has that secret sauce that gives her that knowing power. Because here I am, knowing my worth and all. Playing a game like “Duck, Duck, Goose.” I just keep choosing the wrong “goose”. Dang!

Then I get to a point that is like everyone else. What’s cheating? Define disrespect. As long as I don’t know, it can’t hurt. Right?

Wrong. So very wrong. At least for me. Because the common sense in me can’t operate on dysfunction. It can’t ignore what I know to be cheating or disrespectful. Dating is what it is. Sometimes very ghetto. But sometimes it’s not.

I have this open dialogue that keeps me from caving and jumping feet first into the chaos. Yes, feet first. That way I have a fighting chance amongst the craziness when I start to see it. Knowing my worth has gotten me peace, some smiles, and my skinnn is glowing! Then I have those moments… where I crave to be in their skin. But only when it’s my time. I mean turn. I mean…

Future me. Future us. You can chase peace. Or chase chaos. They mean the same to some people anyway. But what does it mean to you? Being worthy and begging to be worthy aren’t the same. Misery loves company, so it’ll always look great. Just remember that’s not how it feels.


A Worthy Me

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